I've said this to myself for a long time already. Who am i really? But i still do not have the answer to this question. Am i a hypocrite? i think that i am. Deep in my black heart, i am an evil person isn't it? I may smile and laugh with you but what makes you so sure that i am a good person? Nobody can really answer this question? People may like me if they hang out with me but do they really know my feelings towards them? My hate, my likes are a secret even to me because feelings change with time.
But I feel that i am a hypocrite because the things that i said i would do or are truth, i would not do it or it would all be a lie. So when you are hanging out with me next time, watch out for my hypocriteness because even i cannot stop myself from being a hypocrite, it seems to be in my nature to do so.
But not all of me is bad. I do find somethings fun to do when i am with friends. I like to make them laugh. But sometimes i find it hard to communicate with people. You would think that a joker like me always be on the happy side of life just like jim carrey. So sorry but that is not the reality. In reality, I feel insecure. About my past, present and my future. People may think that this is true for everybody but i have seen it in me that i have done many wrong things in the past that if people knew, they would not want to even know me.
Also the present me is changing but sometimes i do falter and make mistakes but i am changing. For better or for worse, only future will tell and in this case my future is a blank. Blank as the unused paper after an examination. Kills me to say it now that even i would not want a worker like me working in my company if i had one.
So far in my life, all i have ever thought about was how to have fun and do all the things that a child would do for their parents, teachers and all that. But i have never thought fully about what i wanted to do in life. Be an IT savvy person is not easy. Nothing is easy anyways. I've always wanted to just be a person whom someone can look up to. So i wanted to have many jobs just like my father last time. I wanted to be a doctor, teacher, nurse and all those normal stuff. But the one that i had always wanted to do, i could not do it and so it frustrates me for not being able to go and do what i would like to achieve and in the end reality hits me hard.
I want to be a lot like my father who is patient with this child of his that is crazy at all times but not in front of him of course. I want to be a journalist. For the world news. I envy him to get a job that pays well after having to go through so much though times. I envy him for being able to go into a uni in malaysia and being so brave as to strive for excellence there alone, without any family members together with him, taking care of him at that time.
For me this reality of going to a uni is like a dream that can never be fulfilled. My grades are the proof that i am not what i want to be. But my parents accept it. But i don't. They send me to poly for me to get a diploma and to proceed on in the working life or further studies but in my heart, i do not think that i will be able to fulfill those wishes. This makes me feel awful. So sometimes it does makes me think, was raising this daughter of theirs a waste? is this what they will think of me? Because i have never accomplish anything outstanding before. All the things i have achieved in my life were either through rough studying, copying homework, relying on others. I am nothing special in my eyes so what will people see in me that i don't see in myself?
For example, people can smile a lot when they meet someone for the first time and for the other meetings too, they will smile. But for me, my smile does depend. That is why i say that i am a hypocrite. But sometimes i really do mean to smile. So the next time you see me smile, think...whether or not it is really sincere.
afro is revealing the truth about feelings that have never been told.
Monday, January 5, 2009 @ 10:18 PM
afroBarbie is my other self
I've said this to myself for a long time already. Who am i really? But i still do not have the answer to this question. Am i a hypocrite? i think that i am. Deep in my black heart, i am an evil person isn't it? I may smile and laugh with you but what makes you so sure that i am a good person? Nobody can really answer this question? People may like me if they hang out with me but do they really know my feelings towards them? My hate, my likes are a secret even to me because feelings change with time.
But I feel that i am a hypocrite because the things that i said i would do or are truth, i would not do it or it would all be a lie. So when you are hanging out with me next time, watch out for my hypocriteness because even i cannot stop myself from being a hypocrite, it seems to be in my nature to do so.
But not all of me is bad. I do find somethings fun to do when i am with friends. I like to make them laugh. But sometimes i find it hard to communicate with people. You would think that a joker like me always be on the happy side of life just like jim carrey. So sorry but that is not the reality. In reality, I feel insecure. About my past, present and my future. People may think that this is true for everybody but i have seen it in me that i have done many wrong things in the past that if people knew, they would not want to even know me.
Also the present me is changing but sometimes i do falter and make mistakes but i am changing. For better or for worse, only future will tell and in this case my future is a blank. Blank as the unused paper after an examination. Kills me to say it now that even i would not want a worker like me working in my company if i had one.
So far in my life, all i have ever thought about was how to have fun and do all the things that a child would do for their parents, teachers and all that. But i have never thought fully about what i wanted to do in life. Be an IT savvy person is not easy. Nothing is easy anyways. I've always wanted to just be a person whom someone can look up to. So i wanted to have many jobs just like my father last time. I wanted to be a doctor, teacher, nurse and all those normal stuff. But the one that i had always wanted to do, i could not do it and so it frustrates me for not being able to go and do what i would like to achieve and in the end reality hits me hard.
I want to be a lot like my father who is patient with this child of his that is crazy at all times but not in front of him of course. I want to be a journalist. For the world news. I envy him to get a job that pays well after having to go through so much though times. I envy him for being able to go into a uni in malaysia and being so brave as to strive for excellence there alone, without any family members together with him, taking care of him at that time.
For me this reality of going to a uni is like a dream that can never be fulfilled. My grades are the proof that i am not what i want to be. But my parents accept it. But i don't. They send me to poly for me to get a diploma and to proceed on in the working life or further studies but in my heart, i do not think that i will be able to fulfill those wishes. This makes me feel awful. So sometimes it does makes me think, was raising this daughter of theirs a waste? is this what they will think of me? Because i have never accomplish anything outstanding before. All the things i have achieved in my life were either through rough studying, copying homework, relying on others. I am nothing special in my eyes so what will people see in me that i don't see in myself?
For example, people can smile a lot when they meet someone for the first time and for the other meetings too, they will smile. But for me, my smile does depend. That is why i say that i am a hypocrite. But sometimes i really do mean to smile. So the next time you see me smile, think...whether or not it is really sincere.
afro is revealing the truth about feelings that have never been told.
Peulopil = Profile
afroB. is not my real name
What is my character like?
Likes to do whatever i want
But i do care for the ppl around me
Even if they dun seem to care
Or even if i always refuse to do what they tell me to
I would always come back and fulfil their wishes
I like to say lame things i guess.
My fashion sense is wack.
Dun ask me to wear formal coz i always dress like a slacker.
People tend to treat me as invisible
if i dun talk or if i dun greet them. It's a given.
My Wish?
To get a job.
Become a useful person.
Lose weight by exercise. Been eating too much.
Try different things?
Write an original song.