Do not be shocked. This is the real me even my family do not know some of the stuff i written here so if you want to know then read all of it because it is really LONG story. The reason for doing this is that i want to be honest with myself and to the people around me. I have changed but there are sometimes when i am still the old me. Can you differentiate it? I am complicated.
This is a real story. I am so free that i want to jot down my life. I shall refer to myself as afroBarbie in this story. That is a nickname that my childhood friend gave to me. Okay, continuing with my story. As a little girl, i was innocent. Not knowing many things and thus doing what i want or have been told to do. Where to start? i have done so many things in my life that i do not want to tell other people but i end up telling the whole world about my problems.
Truth is i am crazy. I think differently from other people. A hypocrite is what you would call a person like me. I do not realize that i was crazy but when i think about what ever i did back when i was young, i now realize that i am truly a crazy person. People around me has always thought that i was a good girl who studied hard and did her best in everything that she did but there are stuff that i hide from my family and friends. That secret is that i am crazy and a liar. Nobody thought that about me but i am really a very bad person.
I was pretty cute at a young age, everybody around me liked me and you could even say that i could have gotten away Scott free with murder even if i wanted too. But things changed as i grew older. I realized that i liked to be around girls better than around boys. Although i liked boys i feel, how do i describe this feeling? Safer? More comfortable around girls than guys.Even i find it strange. I thought it was just a phase that everyone went through but i am different. Not in a good way. My physical also started to change as i grew older. I had straight hair when i was young but now i have big pom pom hair (afro). Although i say that i do not mind the hair to my family, in my heart i kind of hated my hair. This is because it was the root of my problems and self esteem. My hair made my life difficult.
When i was in primary school, my classmates often teased me because of my hair. They would call me afro. Although you would think that it is not a problem, it was for me. I hated people calling me names. In secondary school even my art teacher whom i had always respected made me feel so small that i cried. I cannot remember what made her pull my hair but it made me really angry that i even scolded her and told that this is not how a teacher would do to her student and i hated her for it. I told my seniors who were her students and they also shared the same view as me and although she apologized to me later on, i felt that she was not trust able anymore. I think she explained the incident as she was joking but to me it was not funny at all. You agree don't you? If someone were to pull your hair just because it was big and frizzy and said that it was a joke, would you laugh?? no right? she was a clueless teacher. Just put it at that.
Although i had many friends, none of them were true friends. They were all hypocrites to me. I would talk to them and smile but the truth is, i hated them. I had a best friend when i was in primary school, well at least i thought she was my best friend. But because of my appearance, not many people want to regard me as their friend. So when a new transfer student came, she immediately said that she was her best friend. I was hurt, deeply. So from that moment on i could trust no one.I kept to myself most of the time. But there is one friend that i trusted when i was young, and she is Nurul Ain. Although i did not know her for long, i felt that only she was the only one in the bloody school who was worthy of being my friend. There was this incident that i had forgotten to bring my textbook to school. I cried because i was afraid that i was going to get scolded. However, she comforted me and told me to tell the truth to the teacher. She even accompanied me to tell the teacher and even though i got a scolding but the teacher forgave me and i felt good. Ever since that day, we officially became friends.
We would go to recess together. Eat together. And be there for each other. But i noticed that she was different from other kids. She was sick. I did not know it at first because she never told me but i noticed that she would not eat much during recess and she was careful in choosing the food that she eats. I wanted her to be my friend forever but she left me. She passed away. I was shocked when our form teacher told us that she had passed away. She was a good person and i remember her even now.She was my only true friend.
From then on, i had other friends whom i only made use of. Like ask them to teach me or let me copy their homework. I turned into a violent kid when i was in primary school, before i became a prefect. I beat up a kid who made me angry during Physical Education (P.E,) lesson. Got my shirt dirty, came late for class but the teacher did not ask me why. So i got off Scott free. I beat up a kid after school because she hated me and did not want to become my friend because of my hair. I beat up my brother's friend because he hit me with a soccer ball and did not want to say sorry. There were many bad things that i did as a child. I even stole money from my own father for my stupid uncle. I hate my uncle now because when i think back to what happened, i realized that i was made use of. He befriended me. I was very friendly to him and kind of liked him when i was in primary school. He told me that he needed money and so when i did not have the money, i stole it from my father. That is when i really went bad. In the middle of the night when all of my family members were asleep, i took the money out from my father's bag and gave it to him the next day. When i think back of that incident i feel that i am actually very stupid for letting him make use of me. But actually i was the bad one. I lied to even my uncle and said that i got the money from selling my digimon cards at school.
Therefore i am saying that i am a hypocrite and a liar. I may seem to be good in the eyes of people who may not know my real self but to me, i am a very bad person. I sometimes wished that i could go back in time and stop myself from doing this stupid mistake to my father and the people around me but it is too late and what has been done cannot be changed. Therefore now i have become crazy to pay for my sins. Although i am in disguise of a good and normal person, i am actually really crazy, I did well in my studies in primary school and so i went on to go to a secondary school. The same secondary school as my brother and so he was angry with me for following in his footsteps. Although i do not admit it in front of my brother, i am actually really envious of him. He gets praises from my parents more than me now. Although it was not like this back when we were kids. He is always the trouble maker. Always getting into trouble. He was the 100% bad boy. But he is better than me. Although he did bad things, he would never do anything to hurt anyone else. He is a good brother actually. I looked up to him although last time we always fought.
He is the captain of the hockey club in our secondary school and my father is proud of that. He really is suited for that position in my eyes as he is the type of guy who is serious in sports. Although his studies is not that good, he still made it into a polytechnic. He is now doing his attachment and is turning into a man. He is more respnsible now. This makes me feel proud to have him as a brother. Unlike me who is superficial. In my secondary school years, i did many wrong things to my juniors. This side of me is what i hated most. This is when i turned into a crazy person and from then on i am not myself anymore. One of my senior wanted to disown us as her friends because she had an illness that is very difficult to cure. She may even die from it and told us that she had very little time left. We were shocked and although we wanted to talk to her she avoided us in any way possible. I even remembered that it was raining that day and i went to chase her and even got drenched in the rain but she took a lift in the apartment beside our school and i lost her. So i wrote a letter to her stating that i would never let her disown us and that we would like her to know that we want to be her friends even if she was dying. I asked her more about her illness too. At first there was no news from her but one day i received a letter from her. She said thank you for still wanting to be her friend and told me more about her illness. So after that, we were friends again. But the weird thing was that she was in the same class as my brother.
Everything was back to normal again. But then i had a very crazy idea. I lied to many the people around me that i was sick. I never told them all at once. I lied to them one by one. A senior in my brother's class who was the president of the student council that i was in. My juniors and the senior who was sick. My classmates and social studies teacher. I lied to them. I even pretended to be sick a lot of times. I often talked to the president that i was so sick that i could not even tell my parents, she told me to go to the doctor but i said no because i could not let my parents find out. She believed me. I told the juniors the same thing. But to my classmates and teacher, i pretended to be sick in class and showing that my jaw hurts until it was hard to talk. My social studies teacher was actually my brother's form teacher. So it was hard to deceive her. So when she offered to take me to see a doctor, i refused and hide myself from her. To tell you the truth, the reason that i did all that was to make my life more interesting and dangerous. I was very bored and so i played with their hearts and feelings. To see if i mean anything to them. And i did mean quite a lot to them. They cared for me and so finally i could not take it anymore and i told my juniors the truth. And they did not care for me any longer. Although after a year, they finally talked to me and said that they had forgiven me, i still feel guilty for playing with their feelings. So even until now i am very sorry and guilty for it. I should not have lied to them.
That is why i say that i am crazy and there is definitely something wrong with me. Even i do not know the real me. The truth is that i liked, no i loved this one particular junior. She was cute and so i was attracted to her. Remember, i said that i was more attracted to girls than to guys. Does this mean that i am a lesbian? I also have no answer to this question.But the meaning of lesbian is having intimate and even sexual relationship with girls right? but i NEVER have had anything like that before so i think what i had gone through is just an infatuation? Although i like girls, at times i still have feelings towards GUYS! however, is it just a front to prevent my friends around me from saying that i am a lesbian? My appearance was still the same as when i was in primary school. I was still an afro. People around me tell me that i should go and reborn my hair but i refused and said that i wanted to be true to myself and this was real. It was my trademark. I really hated an admin worker in my secondary school. When i told her why i did not want to reborn my hair, she said that i will never get far in life if my hair was like that. She even laughed at me. I really wanted to punch her right there and then but i was no longer that violent girl in primary school so i restrain myself and i also did not want to get into trouble. So i just accepted the title of being an afro as I am an abnormal, crazy, hypocrite and a liar so adding afro to it is nothing compared to all the bad things i did. I was attracted to many girl-friends around me. I always dream of them in my dreams. The first person whom i dreamt about was the ill senior, then it was the senior who was the president of the student council then it was my junior and so on. It was endless. If they were too kind to me, i would like them.
I know that i should NOT be like this but my heart and mind cannot change me. I tried so hard to change but even now in polytechnic, i fell in "love?" with a girl. She is a very kind girl. Although she was angry with me a couple of times for waking her up when she was sleeping and resting in the prayer room, she still make my heart flutter but as there are many other girls that i like, i do not like her that much now. And this is the same for all the other girls in my weird past. I always say that lesbian's are disgusting and always talking bad about them, but i think that i may be one. However, now i am deciding that i am not suppose to like girls and that i am suppose to think more about guys. So i am changing my perspective. Going to the right way? But there are still times when i want to be hugged or hug a girl. I even dreamt of becoming a guy in my dreams and hugging a girl in that dreams. The girl was pretty and she was my fiancee. I am really weird isn't it?
I also am part of a cca in my school and there are many boys and girls that i like there. I told a senior there a lie too. The same lie that i told my juniors. I tried so hard to not be that way again but i feel that telling lies are in my nature. I hated myself for it. I even bought fake blood to want to show that i have a serious illness. Last time, i realized that cherries have the same colour as blood but if it is mixed with water, it does not look convincing. I had also tried this method of chewing cherries and spitting them into the sink to see the reactions of my juniors but it did not work. All my acting, not one of them was successful so i told myself i could never become an actress. But not all of my lies were lies. Even though i told them a lie about me being very ill. I was quite ill at times. This was because i was a passive smoker. In my house last time, my grandfather and uncle used to smoke a lot. I was always around the smoke. So i got sick at times. There were times when i was out of breath during P.E. lessons. During classes my heart ached, it felt as though someone was stabbing me. At times when i wanted to sleep, but i could not do so because i was having chest pains. I even coughed out some weird stuff from my throat and sometimes even my own blood. All that was real. So some of the lie that i told them was true. I often cried a lot at night, feeling guilty about my lies and that they would come true. Also feeling scared that i might really die from it. But now, my grandfather had passed away and my uncle stopped smoking so i am alright now.
Now you know why i hate myself. Although i am very particular about friends, there is one friend from my childhood that i am now best friends with. She is funny at times and is very interesting to have as a friend and when i am with her, i feel free and we do crazy stuff together. I see myself in her sometimes. But she is the better version of me. She is not bad like me. I am the bad one. I cannot remember when was the time that we became best friends but i think that no one else can be my best friend except for her. All the rest of my friends are just fair-weathered friends. I learnt this in my literature class in secondary school.
Let me tell you more about myself. afroBarbie is a girl. She likes to make people think that she is cool so that she will have friends. Acting crazy and random is her specialty. She loves art and music. Art is in the form of pictures, drawings, cos playing and many more. She loves to play the guitar even when she knows that she can never ever master it and does not take learning it seriously. She likes almost all types of musical instruments, from the recorder in primary school music lessons to the guitar that she likes to play now. She is easily amused but hates people who do not want to befriend her. She likes to sing and dance. Always singing, be it in the bathroom or on the road. Afraid of ghosts as her brother told her ghost story when they were young and even scared her when she was not looking. Afraid of cockroaches as they "molested" her when she was in the kitchen. Flew out of no where and went into her shirt.
She have little real friends. Her better self also know as her twin, Naz a friend who share the passion of gaming and art and Eka tofu a friend who migrated to Australia. These are her only real friends. She likes girls more than guys but is changing and taking it one step at a time. Likes to make people laugh but hides the truth about her past from everyone. No one really knows who she is as she is very secretive and does not want to be too close to anyone except for her three real friends that she like to hang out with. She dislike responsibilities, homework, nosey parkers and most of all people who are just freaking irritating and those who do not like her. She has no fashion sense and can be very lazy at times. She is very talkative and loves her female teachers and any interesting teachers. She is a follower and only pretends to be a leader. She became the president for the library council, was a prefect and student councilor but she is not a leader. Has no sense of direction and needs her twin as a tour guide for her. However, she has a photogenic memory. Show her the way to a place once and she can go there again following the same route and not getting lost. Her appearance changes from time to time. Short hair to long hair. Straight hair to afro hair. No make-up to just wearing eyeliner. Normal to crazy. Finally, from healthy to sick. Yes, that's right. I am sick but nobody knows and this is just a secret between me and god and no one else. Not even my family.
Talking about family. I sometimes hate my family. I finally understand it that there is no one in this world that you can trust fully. This is because even your own family members can betray you. There was this one time when i was little that i became a scapegoat for my brother. We as a whole family went to KL with my cousin's family. My brother wanted to bring back a big packet of chewing gum. I told my parents that it was impossible and that we could get caught but they did not heed my advice. They even told me that if the packet was placed into my bag and i was the only one caught, it would be better than having my brother getting caught. My father said that my brother is important because he had to serve the country later on in his life and there should never be a black mark in his life. But i said that we should at least separated the chewing gums but they said that it was better to put it in my bag. As i was little and naive, i did as i was told and in the end it was i who suffered. Thank god, my uncle who held one to another big packet of chewing gum got caught also and the officer who caught us was his friend. The officer let us off and gave back the gums to us. Although i dislike this uncle of mine as he was a nosey parker, i am still thankful to him for saving me. We had to write our names in a big book full names of other people whom i think had done a crime too. I cried a lot that night and my trust of my family was totally lost. So even now i do not trust anyone. So i know the feeling of being betrayed. It is probably the worse feeling of all.
That is not all to my life. I quit from my cca and left them to fend for themselves. I saw that they had the drive to succeed after i left. After I went back in and their drive was gone. Am i a jinx too? I think it is because i left them to fend for themselves and they thought that i had betrayed them and so they are not quite themselves when i am around. If you see our photos, i am not in most of them as i know that i do not deserve to be there in those pictures. I really want them to excel but it seems that they are better off when i am not in the cca. Are they taking me for granted? If i am there, do they feel safer and thus playing lousily? I do not understand. Maybe i should not have returned. I think me returning has affected their performance.
Last time when i was in the cca i got hurt a lot. The skin on my knees peeled off, my body bruised, my hand bleed and even my head got hurt. But it was fun. I got hurt physically lots of times, even when it was not because of my cca. However, the worst was when a penknife got stuck to my left thumb. I was trying to cut an external hard disk packet that i had just bought but, the penknife went through the hard plastic and into my thumb. It was a shock. I was scared so i pulled out the penknife. Then there was lots of blood that came out from the wound. I went to the bathroom and put my thumb under running tap water. But there was no end to the bleeding. So i called for my brother and he helped me to bandage my wound. After a while the bleeding did stop. I saw the wound and it was deep as i could clearly see my flesh. It was a scary incident and i am still scared of holding a penknife. The scar is still there but at least i can still use the thumb.
Is it getting interesting or boring? I think my life is not normal and is like the tide. Sometimes high and sometimes low. There was a time when i was little that me and my cousin from my mother's side played together. We played pretend and pretended that she was pregnant and that she was in labour and i was the doctor who took out a pillow for underneath her shirt. It was fun but she was too close to me. I was really irritated with her as time goes by. It was because i did not want her to become like me. Liking girls more than guys. She was still young and so i never really entertained her when she came to our house. But i still care for her as a little sister. It is awkward to have her around nowadays. She still wants to get close but i avoid her. She is becoming a lady now and even have lots of boys who like her i think? Good for her. To be really honest. I have never been in a relationship with a guy before. Although i had my first crush on a guy who is very much a man to me when i was in primary school. He had the looks, his personality was good, not a bad boy, he was very smart and was very sporty. His body was good as he had muscles. I knew him through night classes which was held in school. It was part of an enrichment program. He had a friend who was quite small but he was also very nice. We played digivice together and i always won. I wanted to know more about my crush but i never dared to tell him that i liked him. It was totally impossible. So i only looked at him from a far.
There is no man so far for me but i know friends who failed before in relationships and i do not want to become like them. Wanting to die just because a guy dumped her. I think it is not good to be in a relationship just for the looks. It will never last. I like to watch many foreign films. Not only English movies and dramas but also Korean, Japanese, French, Spain related ones. I have learnt that relationships should be more that just the looks. It is the trust and responsibility for your actions. Also if that person is not meant to be with you, even if you pay him to be with you, it will never last.
So now that you know most about my life, would YOU like to be my friends? No right? That is a wise choice. But if you would like to give me a second chance then it would be nice. I am a loner. Always have and always will but i feel good to be alone sometimes.
afroBarbie is finally being honest with herself and going towards the right way meaning she is liking guys. But knows that she will lose friends who are true to her because of not trusting them. So sorry everyone for being a liar and a hypocrite. >_<
Sunday, January 11, 2009 @ 1:08 AM
afroBarbie is my other self
Do not be shocked. This is the real me even my family do not know some of the stuff i written here so if you want to know then read all of it because it is really LONG story. The reason for doing this is that i want to be honest with myself and to the people around me. I have changed but there are sometimes when i am still the old me. Can you differentiate it? I am complicated.
This is a real story. I am so free that i want to jot down my life. I shall refer to myself as afroBarbie in this story. That is a nickname that my childhood friend gave to me. Okay, continuing with my story. As a little girl, i was innocent. Not knowing many things and thus doing what i want or have been told to do. Where to start? i have done so many things in my life that i do not want to tell other people but i end up telling the whole world about my problems.
Truth is i am crazy. I think differently from other people. A hypocrite is what you would call a person like me. I do not realize that i was crazy but when i think about what ever i did back when i was young, i now realize that i am truly a crazy person. People around me has always thought that i was a good girl who studied hard and did her best in everything that she did but there are stuff that i hide from my family and friends. That secret is that i am crazy and a liar. Nobody thought that about me but i am really a very bad person.
I was pretty cute at a young age, everybody around me liked me and you could even say that i could have gotten away Scott free with murder even if i wanted too. But things changed as i grew older. I realized that i liked to be around girls better than around boys. Although i liked boys i feel, how do i describe this feeling? Safer? More comfortable around girls than guys.Even i find it strange. I thought it was just a phase that everyone went through but i am different. Not in a good way. My physical also started to change as i grew older. I had straight hair when i was young but now i have big pom pom hair (afro). Although i say that i do not mind the hair to my family, in my heart i kind of hated my hair. This is because it was the root of my problems and self esteem. My hair made my life difficult.
When i was in primary school, my classmates often teased me because of my hair. They would call me afro. Although you would think that it is not a problem, it was for me. I hated people calling me names. In secondary school even my art teacher whom i had always respected made me feel so small that i cried. I cannot remember what made her pull my hair but it made me really angry that i even scolded her and told that this is not how a teacher would do to her student and i hated her for it. I told my seniors who were her students and they also shared the same view as me and although she apologized to me later on, i felt that she was not trust able anymore. I think she explained the incident as she was joking but to me it was not funny at all. You agree don't you? If someone were to pull your hair just because it was big and frizzy and said that it was a joke, would you laugh?? no right? she was a clueless teacher. Just put it at that.
Although i had many friends, none of them were true friends. They were all hypocrites to me. I would talk to them and smile but the truth is, i hated them. I had a best friend when i was in primary school, well at least i thought she was my best friend. But because of my appearance, not many people want to regard me as their friend. So when a new transfer student came, she immediately said that she was her best friend. I was hurt, deeply. So from that moment on i could trust no one.I kept to myself most of the time. But there is one friend that i trusted when i was young, and she is Nurul Ain. Although i did not know her for long, i felt that only she was the only one in the bloody school who was worthy of being my friend. There was this incident that i had forgotten to bring my textbook to school. I cried because i was afraid that i was going to get scolded. However, she comforted me and told me to tell the truth to the teacher. She even accompanied me to tell the teacher and even though i got a scolding but the teacher forgave me and i felt good. Ever since that day, we officially became friends.
We would go to recess together. Eat together. And be there for each other. But i noticed that she was different from other kids. She was sick. I did not know it at first because she never told me but i noticed that she would not eat much during recess and she was careful in choosing the food that she eats. I wanted her to be my friend forever but she left me. She passed away. I was shocked when our form teacher told us that she had passed away. She was a good person and i remember her even now.She was my only true friend.
From then on, i had other friends whom i only made use of. Like ask them to teach me or let me copy their homework. I turned into a violent kid when i was in primary school, before i became a prefect. I beat up a kid who made me angry during Physical Education (P.E,) lesson. Got my shirt dirty, came late for class but the teacher did not ask me why. So i got off Scott free. I beat up a kid after school because she hated me and did not want to become my friend because of my hair. I beat up my brother's friend because he hit me with a soccer ball and did not want to say sorry. There were many bad things that i did as a child. I even stole money from my own father for my stupid uncle. I hate my uncle now because when i think back to what happened, i realized that i was made use of. He befriended me. I was very friendly to him and kind of liked him when i was in primary school. He told me that he needed money and so when i did not have the money, i stole it from my father. That is when i really went bad. In the middle of the night when all of my family members were asleep, i took the money out from my father's bag and gave it to him the next day. When i think back of that incident i feel that i am actually very stupid for letting him make use of me. But actually i was the bad one. I lied to even my uncle and said that i got the money from selling my digimon cards at school.
Therefore i am saying that i am a hypocrite and a liar. I may seem to be good in the eyes of people who may not know my real self but to me, i am a very bad person. I sometimes wished that i could go back in time and stop myself from doing this stupid mistake to my father and the people around me but it is too late and what has been done cannot be changed. Therefore now i have become crazy to pay for my sins. Although i am in disguise of a good and normal person, i am actually really crazy, I did well in my studies in primary school and so i went on to go to a secondary school. The same secondary school as my brother and so he was angry with me for following in his footsteps. Although i do not admit it in front of my brother, i am actually really envious of him. He gets praises from my parents more than me now. Although it was not like this back when we were kids. He is always the trouble maker. Always getting into trouble. He was the 100% bad boy. But he is better than me. Although he did bad things, he would never do anything to hurt anyone else. He is a good brother actually. I looked up to him although last time we always fought.
He is the captain of the hockey club in our secondary school and my father is proud of that. He really is suited for that position in my eyes as he is the type of guy who is serious in sports. Although his studies is not that good, he still made it into a polytechnic. He is now doing his attachment and is turning into a man. He is more respnsible now. This makes me feel proud to have him as a brother. Unlike me who is superficial. In my secondary school years, i did many wrong things to my juniors. This side of me is what i hated most. This is when i turned into a crazy person and from then on i am not myself anymore. One of my senior wanted to disown us as her friends because she had an illness that is very difficult to cure. She may even die from it and told us that she had very little time left. We were shocked and although we wanted to talk to her she avoided us in any way possible. I even remembered that it was raining that day and i went to chase her and even got drenched in the rain but she took a lift in the apartment beside our school and i lost her. So i wrote a letter to her stating that i would never let her disown us and that we would like her to know that we want to be her friends even if she was dying. I asked her more about her illness too. At first there was no news from her but one day i received a letter from her. She said thank you for still wanting to be her friend and told me more about her illness. So after that, we were friends again. But the weird thing was that she was in the same class as my brother.
Everything was back to normal again. But then i had a very crazy idea. I lied to many the people around me that i was sick. I never told them all at once. I lied to them one by one. A senior in my brother's class who was the president of the student council that i was in. My juniors and the senior who was sick. My classmates and social studies teacher. I lied to them. I even pretended to be sick a lot of times. I often talked to the president that i was so sick that i could not even tell my parents, she told me to go to the doctor but i said no because i could not let my parents find out. She believed me. I told the juniors the same thing. But to my classmates and teacher, i pretended to be sick in class and showing that my jaw hurts until it was hard to talk. My social studies teacher was actually my brother's form teacher. So it was hard to deceive her. So when she offered to take me to see a doctor, i refused and hide myself from her. To tell you the truth, the reason that i did all that was to make my life more interesting and dangerous. I was very bored and so i played with their hearts and feelings. To see if i mean anything to them. And i did mean quite a lot to them. They cared for me and so finally i could not take it anymore and i told my juniors the truth. And they did not care for me any longer. Although after a year, they finally talked to me and said that they had forgiven me, i still feel guilty for playing with their feelings. So even until now i am very sorry and guilty for it. I should not have lied to them.
That is why i say that i am crazy and there is definitely something wrong with me. Even i do not know the real me. The truth is that i liked, no i loved this one particular junior. She was cute and so i was attracted to her. Remember, i said that i was more attracted to girls than to guys. Does this mean that i am a lesbian? I also have no answer to this question.But the meaning of lesbian is having intimate and even sexual relationship with girls right? but i NEVER have had anything like that before so i think what i had gone through is just an infatuation? Although i like girls, at times i still have feelings towards GUYS! however, is it just a front to prevent my friends around me from saying that i am a lesbian? My appearance was still the same as when i was in primary school. I was still an afro. People around me tell me that i should go and reborn my hair but i refused and said that i wanted to be true to myself and this was real. It was my trademark. I really hated an admin worker in my secondary school. When i told her why i did not want to reborn my hair, she said that i will never get far in life if my hair was like that. She even laughed at me. I really wanted to punch her right there and then but i was no longer that violent girl in primary school so i restrain myself and i also did not want to get into trouble. So i just accepted the title of being an afro as I am an abnormal, crazy, hypocrite and a liar so adding afro to it is nothing compared to all the bad things i did. I was attracted to many girl-friends around me. I always dream of them in my dreams. The first person whom i dreamt about was the ill senior, then it was the senior who was the president of the student council then it was my junior and so on. It was endless. If they were too kind to me, i would like them.
I know that i should NOT be like this but my heart and mind cannot change me. I tried so hard to change but even now in polytechnic, i fell in "love?" with a girl. She is a very kind girl. Although she was angry with me a couple of times for waking her up when she was sleeping and resting in the prayer room, she still make my heart flutter but as there are many other girls that i like, i do not like her that much now. And this is the same for all the other girls in my weird past. I always say that lesbian's are disgusting and always talking bad about them, but i think that i may be one. However, now i am deciding that i am not suppose to like girls and that i am suppose to think more about guys. So i am changing my perspective. Going to the right way? But there are still times when i want to be hugged or hug a girl. I even dreamt of becoming a guy in my dreams and hugging a girl in that dreams. The girl was pretty and she was my fiancee. I am really weird isn't it?
I also am part of a cca in my school and there are many boys and girls that i like there. I told a senior there a lie too. The same lie that i told my juniors. I tried so hard to not be that way again but i feel that telling lies are in my nature. I hated myself for it. I even bought fake blood to want to show that i have a serious illness. Last time, i realized that cherries have the same colour as blood but if it is mixed with water, it does not look convincing. I had also tried this method of chewing cherries and spitting them into the sink to see the reactions of my juniors but it did not work. All my acting, not one of them was successful so i told myself i could never become an actress. But not all of my lies were lies. Even though i told them a lie about me being very ill. I was quite ill at times. This was because i was a passive smoker. In my house last time, my grandfather and uncle used to smoke a lot. I was always around the smoke. So i got sick at times. There were times when i was out of breath during P.E. lessons. During classes my heart ached, it felt as though someone was stabbing me. At times when i wanted to sleep, but i could not do so because i was having chest pains. I even coughed out some weird stuff from my throat and sometimes even my own blood. All that was real. So some of the lie that i told them was true. I often cried a lot at night, feeling guilty about my lies and that they would come true. Also feeling scared that i might really die from it. But now, my grandfather had passed away and my uncle stopped smoking so i am alright now.
Now you know why i hate myself. Although i am very particular about friends, there is one friend from my childhood that i am now best friends with. She is funny at times and is very interesting to have as a friend and when i am with her, i feel free and we do crazy stuff together. I see myself in her sometimes. But she is the better version of me. She is not bad like me. I am the bad one. I cannot remember when was the time that we became best friends but i think that no one else can be my best friend except for her. All the rest of my friends are just fair-weathered friends. I learnt this in my literature class in secondary school.
Let me tell you more about myself. afroBarbie is a girl. She likes to make people think that she is cool so that she will have friends. Acting crazy and random is her specialty. She loves art and music. Art is in the form of pictures, drawings, cos playing and many more. She loves to play the guitar even when she knows that she can never ever master it and does not take learning it seriously. She likes almost all types of musical instruments, from the recorder in primary school music lessons to the guitar that she likes to play now. She is easily amused but hates people who do not want to befriend her. She likes to sing and dance. Always singing, be it in the bathroom or on the road. Afraid of ghosts as her brother told her ghost story when they were young and even scared her when she was not looking. Afraid of cockroaches as they "molested" her when she was in the kitchen. Flew out of no where and went into her shirt.
She have little real friends. Her better self also know as her twin, Naz a friend who share the passion of gaming and art and Eka tofu a friend who migrated to Australia. These are her only real friends. She likes girls more than guys but is changing and taking it one step at a time. Likes to make people laugh but hides the truth about her past from everyone. No one really knows who she is as she is very secretive and does not want to be too close to anyone except for her three real friends that she like to hang out with. She dislike responsibilities, homework, nosey parkers and most of all people who are just freaking irritating and those who do not like her. She has no fashion sense and can be very lazy at times. She is very talkative and loves her female teachers and any interesting teachers. She is a follower and only pretends to be a leader. She became the president for the library council, was a prefect and student councilor but she is not a leader. Has no sense of direction and needs her twin as a tour guide for her. However, she has a photogenic memory. Show her the way to a place once and she can go there again following the same route and not getting lost. Her appearance changes from time to time. Short hair to long hair. Straight hair to afro hair. No make-up to just wearing eyeliner. Normal to crazy. Finally, from healthy to sick. Yes, that's right. I am sick but nobody knows and this is just a secret between me and god and no one else. Not even my family.
Talking about family. I sometimes hate my family. I finally understand it that there is no one in this world that you can trust fully. This is because even your own family members can betray you. There was this one time when i was little that i became a scapegoat for my brother. We as a whole family went to KL with my cousin's family. My brother wanted to bring back a big packet of chewing gum. I told my parents that it was impossible and that we could get caught but they did not heed my advice. They even told me that if the packet was placed into my bag and i was the only one caught, it would be better than having my brother getting caught. My father said that my brother is important because he had to serve the country later on in his life and there should never be a black mark in his life. But i said that we should at least separated the chewing gums but they said that it was better to put it in my bag. As i was little and naive, i did as i was told and in the end it was i who suffered. Thank god, my uncle who held one to another big packet of chewing gum got caught also and the officer who caught us was his friend. The officer let us off and gave back the gums to us. Although i dislike this uncle of mine as he was a nosey parker, i am still thankful to him for saving me. We had to write our names in a big book full names of other people whom i think had done a crime too. I cried a lot that night and my trust of my family was totally lost. So even now i do not trust anyone. So i know the feeling of being betrayed. It is probably the worse feeling of all.
That is not all to my life. I quit from my cca and left them to fend for themselves. I saw that they had the drive to succeed after i left. After I went back in and their drive was gone. Am i a jinx too? I think it is because i left them to fend for themselves and they thought that i had betrayed them and so they are not quite themselves when i am around. If you see our photos, i am not in most of them as i know that i do not deserve to be there in those pictures. I really want them to excel but it seems that they are better off when i am not in the cca. Are they taking me for granted? If i am there, do they feel safer and thus playing lousily? I do not understand. Maybe i should not have returned. I think me returning has affected their performance.
Last time when i was in the cca i got hurt a lot. The skin on my knees peeled off, my body bruised, my hand bleed and even my head got hurt. But it was fun. I got hurt physically lots of times, even when it was not because of my cca. However, the worst was when a penknife got stuck to my left thumb. I was trying to cut an external hard disk packet that i had just bought but, the penknife went through the hard plastic and into my thumb. It was a shock. I was scared so i pulled out the penknife. Then there was lots of blood that came out from the wound. I went to the bathroom and put my thumb under running tap water. But there was no end to the bleeding. So i called for my brother and he helped me to bandage my wound. After a while the bleeding did stop. I saw the wound and it was deep as i could clearly see my flesh. It was a scary incident and i am still scared of holding a penknife. The scar is still there but at least i can still use the thumb.
Is it getting interesting or boring? I think my life is not normal and is like the tide. Sometimes high and sometimes low. There was a time when i was little that me and my cousin from my mother's side played together. We played pretend and pretended that she was pregnant and that she was in labour and i was the doctor who took out a pillow for underneath her shirt. It was fun but she was too close to me. I was really irritated with her as time goes by. It was because i did not want her to become like me. Liking girls more than guys. She was still young and so i never really entertained her when she came to our house. But i still care for her as a little sister. It is awkward to have her around nowadays. She still wants to get close but i avoid her. She is becoming a lady now and even have lots of boys who like her i think? Good for her. To be really honest. I have never been in a relationship with a guy before. Although i had my first crush on a guy who is very much a man to me when i was in primary school. He had the looks, his personality was good, not a bad boy, he was very smart and was very sporty. His body was good as he had muscles. I knew him through night classes which was held in school. It was part of an enrichment program. He had a friend who was quite small but he was also very nice. We played digivice together and i always won. I wanted to know more about my crush but i never dared to tell him that i liked him. It was totally impossible. So i only looked at him from a far.
There is no man so far for me but i know friends who failed before in relationships and i do not want to become like them. Wanting to die just because a guy dumped her. I think it is not good to be in a relationship just for the looks. It will never last. I like to watch many foreign films. Not only English movies and dramas but also Korean, Japanese, French, Spain related ones. I have learnt that relationships should be more that just the looks. It is the trust and responsibility for your actions. Also if that person is not meant to be with you, even if you pay him to be with you, it will never last.
So now that you know most about my life, would YOU like to be my friends? No right? That is a wise choice. But if you would like to give me a second chance then it would be nice. I am a loner. Always have and always will but i feel good to be alone sometimes.
afroBarbie is finally being honest with herself and going towards the right way meaning she is liking guys. But knows that she will lose friends who are true to her because of not trusting them. So sorry everyone for being a liar and a hypocrite. >_<
Peulopil = Profile
afroB. is not my real name
What is my character like?
Likes to do whatever i want
But i do care for the ppl around me
Even if they dun seem to care
Or even if i always refuse to do what they tell me to
I would always come back and fulfil their wishes
I like to say lame things i guess.
My fashion sense is wack.
Dun ask me to wear formal coz i always dress like a slacker.
People tend to treat me as invisible
if i dun talk or if i dun greet them. It's a given.
My Wish?
To get a job.
Become a useful person.
Lose weight by exercise. Been eating too much.
Try different things?
Write an original song.